Running through my head.
Its 3 - something - am
I cant sleep
I went to bed at midnight 1am ish

I had a really good nights sleep last night
from midnight to 7am!
shock!

got my best mate coming over tomorrow
so i guess it was an early night
due to the fact i have company coming to stay
why on earth i feel i need an early night for that i dont know.

i dunno
anyway

so im not on facebook anymore
miss it?
not really
i dont miss the non stop communication
for the sake of communication
i dont miss the random meaningless chit chat

i do miss a couple of people
but
enough to get in touch via text or email
time will tell i guess

shit things have changed so much
its like...
fk.
i dont know what happened really

its like.
i was forced to look at my situation
from outside myself.

its like.
i was asked Qs i thought i knew the answers to
an when i heard my answers
i thought
thats fkin bullshit

then i had to straighten it all out
in my mind
like..

well
its like..
yeh i started uni
an i dont think i realised just how much
i would change in such a short time
how much my opinions on stuff would change
how my thinking an seeing of the world would change

i think
being asked questions
an giving an answer
then going away
an questioning myself on why i think that
then realising its shit an stupid
then thinking
well what do i really think
instead of the pre programmed shit i have told myself
over the past few years to keep me going
at them dark moments
when i felt i had nuffin to hang on to
i had to have something
some fixed idea

so going to uni
an my best mate moving home
its really given me time to find me
the real me
an i know the past few weeks have been a bit dodgey

with the whole liking someone
an them liking me
an not liking me
an me feeling like a knobhead
an talking way to much
an telling people things i just dont want people to know
an really thinking what is it i want out of life

i guess my goals havent changed
long term ones anyway
but my route of getting there has

an what i really want
has
and the journey i want along the way
has

i got to the point where i was sick
of being someone that i depise
(fk i dont give a shit about spellin.. its almost 4am)
i would hear myself talking an think
YOU KNOBHEAD

its like
i get on with anyone with strong views
as long as they live by them
its like
if u a veggie an hate animal cruelity
dont have a crafty bacon sarnie

you know.
if there is something u believe in
believe in it

i guess.
its time
true change
not just the year zero practice run
im lucky i got the chance to do yr 0
coz now i know what i want
what i dont want
an i wont have any regrets or thinking i took the easy option
or second best.

its like.
i needed it
a stepping stone
i needed this yr
it all came together
new yr
my best mate moving home
yr 0
all came together
to show me
who the fk i am

been highs
been lows
been doubt
been confussion
been laughs
been giggles
been confident
been happy

and it takes courage to suddenly say
actually
this isnt for me
even though i really thought i was
im getting off
an going a different way
because i know that is what is best for me

maybe this is why i really couldnt sleep
maybe i needed to blog