that..
im sucha a twat feeling
is fading
fast
:)

If you had the opportunity to live one year of your life over again, which year would you choose?

i dont want to ever go back.. forward.. thats the only way

go on ask me a question....

angie....i've had the biggest crush on you for awhile! i don't go on here a lot. but please message me on www.findersingle.com under the username "wishfulthinker". please don't get all weird. =)

take ur spam a shove it!

go on ask me a question....

If you could be on one TV show which one would it be?

MONK!! i love him. i would be his career..

go on ask me a question....

how do I add formspring to my blog?

settings.. widget.. copy and paste the code into a widget thing box. like a picture one. but a widget one. on ur blog.. if its blog spot..


im not so good at explaining things

go on ask me a question....

oh an u also have to configure it....

When was the last time you received flowers?

mothers day.. i got a pot plant. dont know if it should go indoors or outdoors. so its on my kitchen window sill. as a rule i dont like getting cut flowers because they die. its like giving someone something that is dying

go on ask me a question....

are you still reading the book of d**e?

i've been avoiding the book of D**E

i was so fkd the last time... an talked myself into being really paranoid.. so im waiting for that memory to fade... its getting there.. but as the twatish feeling is going im drifting into day dreaming about the book of D**E an it comes rushing back.. an i feel my face drain an my brain go cold.. so got someway to go.

think i just need to over come the fear an face him an see how he is.. coz i think that i am a twat more than he thinks i am a twat

go on ask me a question....

i keep thinking about _____
everytime i think about him
i text _____
an when i text ______
it just makes things more confusing
coz then he texts back
mad things
an i cant work him out
an i dont think i want to
an i keep thinking about _____
an i still feel silly
i need to get over it
overcome feeling like a twat
i think its coz i havent seen him since
i sat across the table in daylight
in silence
like
not knowing what to say
still feeling pretty fkd
knowing i had talked way to much
so much that no one else could speak
an i said things i didnt want to say
told things i didnt want new people to know
an i feel soo stupid
an i dont wanna look at someone who knows all that about me
coz im not that person anymore
an why did i feel like i needed to explain all that
why did i feel i needed to prove
i was way more fkd up than them
why did i have to fancy someone
it was a chemical induced feeling
i should have just let it drift on by
i will bloody do next time
but why do i text ___
when ever i feel like a twat with someone else
an why do they only ever text me loads when they have no one else

i wanna get fkd again
i wanna play poker again
i wanna hang out with everyone again
an i wanna over come this feeling like a twat

formspring.me

i use to blog in paragraphs
now i blog like this
i blame my missus
i copied her style
now i cant stop
an twitter dont help
short sharp bursts of words
then on to the next
fleeting ideas
and thoughts

THIS IS NOT ENOUGH

i dont wanna die an think

that really wasnt enough
why was i so lazy?

Running through my head.
Its 3 - something - am
I cant sleep
I went to bed at midnight 1am ish

I had a really good nights sleep last night
from midnight to 7am!
shock!

got my best mate coming over tomorrow
so i guess it was an early night
due to the fact i have company coming to stay
why on earth i feel i need an early night for that i dont know.

i dunno
anyway

so im not on facebook anymore
miss it?
not really
i dont miss the non stop communication
for the sake of communication
i dont miss the random meaningless chit chat

i do miss a couple of people
but
enough to get in touch via text or email
time will tell i guess

shit things have changed so much
its like...
fk.
i dont know what happened really

its like.
i was forced to look at my situation
from outside myself.

its like.
i was asked Qs i thought i knew the answers to
an when i heard my answers
i thought
thats fkin bullshit

then i had to straighten it all out
in my mind
like..

well
its like..
yeh i started uni
an i dont think i realised just how much
i would change in such a short time
how much my opinions on stuff would change
how my thinking an seeing of the world would change

i think
being asked questions
an giving an answer
then going away
an questioning myself on why i think that
then realising its shit an stupid
then thinking
well what do i really think
instead of the pre programmed shit i have told myself
over the past few years to keep me going
at them dark moments
when i felt i had nuffin to hang on to
i had to have something
some fixed idea

so going to uni
an my best mate moving home
its really given me time to find me
the real me
an i know the past few weeks have been a bit dodgey

with the whole liking someone
an them liking me
an not liking me
an me feeling like a knobhead
an talking way to much
an telling people things i just dont want people to know
an really thinking what is it i want out of life

i guess my goals havent changed
long term ones anyway
but my route of getting there has

an what i really want
has
and the journey i want along the way
has

i got to the point where i was sick
of being someone that i depise
(fk i dont give a shit about spellin.. its almost 4am)
i would hear myself talking an think
YOU KNOBHEAD

its like
i get on with anyone with strong views
as long as they live by them
its like
if u a veggie an hate animal cruelity
dont have a crafty bacon sarnie

you know.
if there is something u believe in
believe in it

i guess.
its time
true change
not just the year zero practice run
im lucky i got the chance to do yr 0
coz now i know what i want
what i dont want
an i wont have any regrets or thinking i took the easy option
or second best.

its like.
i needed it
a stepping stone
i needed this yr
it all came together
new yr
my best mate moving home
yr 0
all came together
to show me
who the fk i am

been highs
been lows
been doubt
been confussion
been laughs
been giggles
been confident
been happy

and it takes courage to suddenly say
actually
this isnt for me
even though i really thought i was
im getting off
an going a different way
because i know that is what is best for me

maybe this is why i really couldnt sleep
maybe i needed to blog

I got up out of bed
giving in to not sleeping
walked down the stairs
this tune in my head



its about the words

''running through my head''

''this is not enough''

vote!