i am half way through a painting doodle that i might actally like
that i look at an can see
me
my past
something that reminds
me of safety
an happiness

reminds me of my grandparents

an as i look at it
i see the flower pattern that i have doodled for years
but this doodle painting is
a response or copy
of a pattern on my grandparents
kitchen ware
an now as i sit here an look at it

i think
maybe thats why i draw/doodle flowers the way i do
coz deep in my mind
thats the way i saw them
they made me feel safe
an happy

i must have looked at them so much growing up
without really thinking about it

we are influenced by so much
around us
without realising

its like
at college
we went to see the tate exhitibition
for the turner prize
an the work we saw there
we saw again
in some form
with in each others
work for the next few weeks

its like we all took away
the bits that interested us the most
then it reflected in our work

even just the trip to the big city
with out thinking
i started a 3d project
of making cardboard retangles
of different heights
an stood them in lines
an took photos
at a low level
making them seem huge

an it wasnt for a long time
that i realised that
that was my response to
being in a big city
with towering buildings
feeling small

but it hadnt been my aim
it was just something i was creating
for the sake of creating

but now i see it
the reasons

we are sponges
an we dont even know it

my new project
is emotional

but i have been sinking
into reading
trueblood

i started dead as a door nail yesterday
an im about 3/4's of my way through

not been getting much sleep
not been doing much of anything

sinking myself into my project
then
running an hiding from it

im not sure if i wanna be an artist
i dont know what i want

i cant keep denying that
i long to not be alone

but i cant keep denying that
i am shit scared
of letting anyone close

but this project
is helping me to see why

but i know why
u know why

people get close
i let them in a little
then push them on their arse
shoving them so hard
away from me

i cant keep treating people like that
i cant keep being so selfish

because maybe
one day
someone will need something from me

but just coz they might need something of me
does that mean i have to give it to them

because right now
i have a lot of people i love
needing stuff from me

an it just makes me feel
frightened

i wanna put myself so out of reach
that i feel like im actually living

i put myself so out of reach
that i keep dreaming
of people i actually miss

my mind keeps drifting to
things
situations
that mean so much

i dont feel numb
i like not being in constant communication

it feels nice

it feels like
every bit of communication means so much more

i dont have to worry
about communicating just for the sake of it
an worrying that i am
misleading
or putting myself in a situation
that i dont wanna be in

if wasnt fair of me
to say what i said
i wish i could take it back
i wish i hadnt done that

i wont do it again

but fk
why i am dreamin of _______
an why did it feel so safe
when they arent safe in the slightest

an no it dont mean i like them
like that
it just means

i long to feel safe
deep down

taking steps forward
letting go of the past
will always have attachment issues
but theres nothing wrong with opting out
putting myself out of reach
getting on with my journey
being more, me

omg

i have deleted facebook from my life

living an learning
laughing
smiling
remembering im not weak

i hope u have had
a massive
BLACK OUT

but i doubt it

my new project is proving to be a journey
had a tutorial with a new tutor
an she was loverrrly
an she liked my idea
it was so useful to talk through my ideas
an have her supportive input
an her gently leading me
an sign posting me
our course leader emailed me 3 artists names
that our tutor had though of after i'd gone
its nice that she thought about my ideas
after i had left

my project is about home
its about my homes
past an present
about belonging
family
attachment
what home means to me

or i should say
lack of attachment
fear or attaching
putting ghosts to rest
to make a place
my kids an i can feel settled
an proud of

and she totally understood

any ideas you have
would be welcome
what home means to u
when u move in somewhere new
how do u make it a home
coz i have lost my way

i dont know how to make my house a home

Im so dumb it is unreal
was watching hollyoaks
the other day
an saw it
an thought
oh for fuck sake
how can i be so stupid
when its played
right infront of your eyes
and you see it
yourself
there
fuck
fuck
fuck

live an learn

silence

never wants to talk again

wants to sit on a train
looking out the window
rushing through the country side
an stations
but never stops

i want to feel the cold fresh air
rush into my mind

i want to feel the ice
run down my spine

i want to look up
an see you watching

i want to feel the smile
spread across my face

coz i know
you know
how im feeling

an see your smile in return
for mine
silently saying
its ok


i feel safe

i let go
an feel

an tingle
an tremble
an shake

an now i never want to talk again
coz ive said to much

so much nonsense
im such a dick

i wanna look at you again
an smile
an let go
an feel

with out worrying
im sending out the wrong vibes

i want to feel safe
u made me feel safe

an i came along
an made myself feel insecure

because im an idiot

u have to have people at the foundations to have people at top

if people are sold the dream that they can all live a life style

then no one feels the foundation layer is good enough an this breeds unhappyness

i think the foundations at the best

then u have the people who have no self believe or feel the government should take care of them

an they get locked in the cellar under the foundations

an they get trapped in that mindset

watchin the lifestyle tv shows an feeling they have no part or no right to reach for it

then u have the 6th form college kids that feel its their god given right to be provided for by their parents. gcses, a levels, uni, gap year, driving lessons, first car, expensive christmas presents, deposit for first home. its like.. they have no empowerment to go get it for themselves because their parents live on guilt an get sucked into the whole...

if i dont give them it then that makes me bad an they might become a waster an that will be my fault.

but you have to start at the bottom of the ladder an work ur way up... u have to have something in your life that forces u to reach for more..

but no one should asume that its their god given right to it

the financal problems in the uk are built on the stupid people who wanted the wag life an the the stupid credit companys that gave them the credit to buy it... they lived the ''dream'' for 2 years.. now they are burried beneath the pile of debt

i was trying so hard to be different
then i realised that
im just the same as everyone else
who is trying so hard
to be ''different''

had an awesome day with the kids

it was really strange
an awesome
an lush

they didnt play up
they didnt fight

we went to the fair
they had money each
they budgeted well
i was impressed

they both came home with change
they sat on the bus home
green an feeling sick
still forcing down candy floss

I've decided that im not going to have secs
until im 35

power of music

funny how i was feeling all down

then i mended my music

an i felt so much better

singing an jigging around

omfg

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

ffs


what i want
and
what i do

what i believe
and
how i live

are total contradictions

if i was to meet me
i would fkn hate me

because i cant stand people
who
have strong views
and opinions
but doesnt stand by them

actions speak louder than words

FRUSTRATION

so frustrated with myself


i see things an think

omg i wanna do that

then do nuffin

things i must stop saying to the tv while watching it with the kids

OH FUCK OFF!!

WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOX!!

YOU COMPLETE TOSSER!!!

OHHHH PLZZZZZZZ........

What makes a home?

self directed project

need to write a brief

need to do some research

need to write an essay about beckys painting

happy easter

Trying to find new ways to over come my frustrations
and getting my points of view across

what a funny night

chilled out night in with the kids
they disappeared upstairs to watch dvds
to be fair
there was crap on tv

so it was like i was home alone
apart from the odd footsteps
an quick cuddles between dvds

boredom
cant wait to get back into the routine of uni
but also am really looking forward to the summer holidays
with the kids

cant wait to start on my new uni project
my brain is dying
wasting away

so glad my mum is home from hospital
she sounds well on the phone
she wants the kids to pop an see her for a while tomorrow
they love her so much
ive been telling my mum i love her
dont normally do that

when i go back to uni i only have 8 weeks till i finish year 0
seriously hope nuffin fks up an stops me going on to year 1 of my degree

made friends with my DSLR tonight
that was good
going to bed with the instruction book
every night till i know i can tell it what to do

cant wait for next weekend
gonna have a good time
chatting shit
an not having an care in the world

leaving this town behind for a couple of nights
lush

spent ages tidying an cleaning the livingroom today
an it seems messier than when i started
but least all the dust is gone

i cant believe i done absolutely nuffin for the first 2 weeks
of my easter holiday
it was like
i just stopped

but now the kids are on holiday too
i love spending time with them
the fair is coming at the end of the week

cant wait to have some cash again
this summer is gonna be a good one

ASK ME ANYTHING

saturday night boredom

the kids are watching goonies
tv an facebook is my only option
or so i think

i have come up with a little idea for my self directed project
HOME
thats going to be my starting point
gonna spend 6 weeks exploring
HOME

bit of consumerism
bit of keeping up with the jones
what home means

think it might be good

i dreamt u sent me am email

it was strange
an i dreamt i was on a uni trip
an the resturant was shit
an we only got as far an ipswich
an it was all very strange
an i wanted it over
coz i wanted to go round beckys
an i got home
an u had sent me an email
it was about dog shit
an at the end u put
(i took the dog for a shit, i DID NOT shit on the dog)
an i thought it was really funny
coz im an idiot

i hate feeling emotionally weak
but i guess it happens to all of us

i cant wait for next weekend
am going to my best mates
an im gonna have a fkin good time

leave all my worries behind
chat an smile
an laugh an chat
and completely lose myself

so glad the train strike has been cancelled

awesome

just got to get through the week :D

last night when i got home
i cried for ages

i must admit that i felt lonely
so alone in the world
having to deal with everything by myself

but..

its my choice isnt it?
i keep everyone at arms length.
you cant decide to keep everyone at arms length
then whinge when theres no one there to cuddle you.

the thing is
i dont need looking after
i dont need someone
coz if i had someone here 24/7
i would get so pist off

then i started thinking about why i ring my ex
when im in a emergency
well.
they are his kids and if i cant look after them
he needs to
an just by shouting at me
its not going to stop me forcing him to take responabilty

also
i ring him
he gets mad
i hang up
wait
then try again

an this process goes on until hes calm an see thats hes being an arse
i never ask him to do anything thats unreasonable
im not awkward
or a bitch

then i started thinking about
why do i find it easier to take pure nasty abuse off him
an i find it so hard when people are nice to me

its like

i know where i stand with him

its easy

i know whats going to happen..
i know how much he hates me
i know he despises me

i know where i stand...

its simple

re running convos in my head..

i was thinking about something you said
at the time i didnt understand what you meant
but now i think i do..

i had plenty of thinking time last night
while sat next to my mums hospital bed
and then once i got home.

you said that taking speed makes you more of the person you want to be
or more who you are.
or something.

I was thinking about facebook
and i was thinking how emotionally needy i make myself sound
an the person facebook makes me be
is a person i really bloody dont like
an its not me at all

then i thought about what u had said about speed
and though i dont remember exactly what you said

But i kinda get in
in my way

i dislike facebook so dam much
but its an easy way to talk to my friends
but by god..
i dont half sound like a fkin twat most of the time