Blogging to fight boredom. Hope it works.

Hmmmm...... why am I so bored? no one is on facebook talking. Which is highly annoying yet good. In a way. I deleted loads of people not so long ago. People who I never ever ever wanted to meet up with but was talkin to them via facebook out of sheer bordom and nuffin better to do. That sounds bad but its true.

I don't find myself stressed out anymore, I dont bad mouth people anymore, like be all nice nice on status's then when I meet up with my rl friends go.. omg did you see what so an so put on facebook :O

It made me feel awful to do that. I dont like being two faced.

I was being this person that i hated. I am so glad I managed to change.

I am becoming more of a person I like. I hated myself for a while. Like if ever met myself I would loath them and what they stood for. I am now living more by my own standards I guess.

Its like on old blogs I felt like I was saying the same things again and again and getting no where. Where as the past 12 months I have been making active changes in my life and not talking about stuff so much.

I still have a way to go. But omg. The person I was 12 months ago. About to go to uni, shy, nervous, down, lonely, sad, no social life, stress.. and the person I am now. Oh man how things have changed.

:)

I have a theory.

My son is 11 and he has turned from a nice helpful boy into a little lad with a bad attitude. I mean he's always had a tempter and stuff. But these days its becoming more an more often that the bad mannered rude little sod comes down the stairs. I quite frankly don't want to spend anytime with him when he is behaving like that.

His hormones are running riot and he is growing up.

My theory is that teenagers turn into these creatures that we no longer understand or want to spend time with so that we let them explore the world and become more independant. Its like natures way to force a mother to let go a little bit.

I am just glad that I taught him so much before 11 about choices and life and everything, I think if I had left it till now, then he just wouldn't listen to me and rebel against me just to spite me.

So least I know, that under all the sulky grumpy rudeness there is a level head on young shoulders. He may ignore it for a while, but the foundations are there.

We went away at the weekend. And it swung from really great to cringe worthy. It was like when we were around other people he showed off and the new teenie teen was there, but when we were alone with his sister the nice polite helpful little lad was there.

It made me see that its now time for me to be getting my own life, I don't have to feel guilty about it. Its the right time for all of us. This last year as been about setting up a routine of me being out and about and gaining confidence.

Now is the time for us to be making our own way, but still be a family and come home to each other.

No matter how much we bicker we end the day on, I love you. I think thats important.

I refuse to keep banging my head against a brick wall with them though. If they wanna come out and about with me and enjoy it, they are more than welcome to, if they wanna come and be awful and moan and whinge and show off, then sod it. I will not put up with it. I just won't take them anywhere untill they get the message that i wanna have good times not spend my life bickering.

If i wanted to spend my life bickering I still be married to their dad.

I think all I can do now is hope they have sense and strength and know right from wrong.

Would you rather own a luxury yacht or a private jet?

yacht

go on ask me a question....

Do you believe in angels?

yes

go on ask me a question....

Life is mad
crazy
bonkers
I don't know what my place is here.

But I'm enjoying life at the moment.

So maybe I should blog a bit of something.
Dont know what really
my life has gone in a new direction
its kinda mad
I feel more settled in myself
i feel happy
content

that..
im sucha a twat feeling
is fading
fast
:)

If you had the opportunity to live one year of your life over again, which year would you choose?

i dont want to ever go back.. forward.. thats the only way

go on ask me a question....

angie....i've had the biggest crush on you for awhile! i don't go on here a lot. but please message me on www.findersingle.com under the username "wishfulthinker". please don't get all weird. =)

take ur spam a shove it!

go on ask me a question....

If you could be on one TV show which one would it be?

MONK!! i love him. i would be his career..

go on ask me a question....

how do I add formspring to my blog?

settings.. widget.. copy and paste the code into a widget thing box. like a picture one. but a widget one. on ur blog.. if its blog spot..


im not so good at explaining things

go on ask me a question....

oh an u also have to configure it....

When was the last time you received flowers?

mothers day.. i got a pot plant. dont know if it should go indoors or outdoors. so its on my kitchen window sill. as a rule i dont like getting cut flowers because they die. its like giving someone something that is dying

go on ask me a question....

are you still reading the book of d**e?

i've been avoiding the book of D**E

i was so fkd the last time... an talked myself into being really paranoid.. so im waiting for that memory to fade... its getting there.. but as the twatish feeling is going im drifting into day dreaming about the book of D**E an it comes rushing back.. an i feel my face drain an my brain go cold.. so got someway to go.

think i just need to over come the fear an face him an see how he is.. coz i think that i am a twat more than he thinks i am a twat

go on ask me a question....

i keep thinking about _____
everytime i think about him
i text _____
an when i text ______
it just makes things more confusing
coz then he texts back
mad things
an i cant work him out
an i dont think i want to
an i keep thinking about _____
an i still feel silly
i need to get over it
overcome feeling like a twat
i think its coz i havent seen him since
i sat across the table in daylight
in silence
like
not knowing what to say
still feeling pretty fkd
knowing i had talked way to much
so much that no one else could speak
an i said things i didnt want to say
told things i didnt want new people to know
an i feel soo stupid
an i dont wanna look at someone who knows all that about me
coz im not that person anymore
an why did i feel like i needed to explain all that
why did i feel i needed to prove
i was way more fkd up than them
why did i have to fancy someone
it was a chemical induced feeling
i should have just let it drift on by
i will bloody do next time
but why do i text ___
when ever i feel like a twat with someone else
an why do they only ever text me loads when they have no one else

i wanna get fkd again
i wanna play poker again
i wanna hang out with everyone again
an i wanna over come this feeling like a twat

formspring.me

i use to blog in paragraphs
now i blog like this
i blame my missus
i copied her style
now i cant stop
an twitter dont help
short sharp bursts of words
then on to the next
fleeting ideas
and thoughts

THIS IS NOT ENOUGH

i dont wanna die an think

that really wasnt enough
why was i so lazy?

Running through my head.
Its 3 - something - am
I cant sleep
I went to bed at midnight 1am ish

I had a really good nights sleep last night
from midnight to 7am!
shock!

got my best mate coming over tomorrow
so i guess it was an early night
due to the fact i have company coming to stay
why on earth i feel i need an early night for that i dont know.

i dunno
anyway

so im not on facebook anymore
miss it?
not really
i dont miss the non stop communication
for the sake of communication
i dont miss the random meaningless chit chat

i do miss a couple of people
but
enough to get in touch via text or email
time will tell i guess

shit things have changed so much
its like...
fk.
i dont know what happened really

its like.
i was forced to look at my situation
from outside myself.

its like.
i was asked Qs i thought i knew the answers to
an when i heard my answers
i thought
thats fkin bullshit

then i had to straighten it all out
in my mind
like..

well
its like..
yeh i started uni
an i dont think i realised just how much
i would change in such a short time
how much my opinions on stuff would change
how my thinking an seeing of the world would change

i think
being asked questions
an giving an answer
then going away
an questioning myself on why i think that
then realising its shit an stupid
then thinking
well what do i really think
instead of the pre programmed shit i have told myself
over the past few years to keep me going
at them dark moments
when i felt i had nuffin to hang on to
i had to have something
some fixed idea

so going to uni
an my best mate moving home
its really given me time to find me
the real me
an i know the past few weeks have been a bit dodgey

with the whole liking someone
an them liking me
an not liking me
an me feeling like a knobhead
an talking way to much
an telling people things i just dont want people to know
an really thinking what is it i want out of life

i guess my goals havent changed
long term ones anyway
but my route of getting there has

an what i really want
has
and the journey i want along the way
has

i got to the point where i was sick
of being someone that i depise
(fk i dont give a shit about spellin.. its almost 4am)
i would hear myself talking an think
YOU KNOBHEAD

its like
i get on with anyone with strong views
as long as they live by them
its like
if u a veggie an hate animal cruelity
dont have a crafty bacon sarnie

you know.
if there is something u believe in
believe in it

i guess.
its time
true change
not just the year zero practice run
im lucky i got the chance to do yr 0
coz now i know what i want
what i dont want
an i wont have any regrets or thinking i took the easy option
or second best.

its like.
i needed it
a stepping stone
i needed this yr
it all came together
new yr
my best mate moving home
yr 0
all came together
to show me
who the fk i am

been highs
been lows
been doubt
been confussion
been laughs
been giggles
been confident
been happy

and it takes courage to suddenly say
actually
this isnt for me
even though i really thought i was
im getting off
an going a different way
because i know that is what is best for me

maybe this is why i really couldnt sleep
maybe i needed to blog

I got up out of bed
giving in to not sleeping
walked down the stairs
this tune in my head



its about the words

''running through my head''

''this is not enough''

vote!

i am half way through a painting doodle that i might actally like
that i look at an can see
me
my past
something that reminds
me of safety
an happiness

reminds me of my grandparents

an as i look at it
i see the flower pattern that i have doodled for years
but this doodle painting is
a response or copy
of a pattern on my grandparents
kitchen ware
an now as i sit here an look at it

i think
maybe thats why i draw/doodle flowers the way i do
coz deep in my mind
thats the way i saw them
they made me feel safe
an happy

i must have looked at them so much growing up
without really thinking about it

we are influenced by so much
around us
without realising

its like
at college
we went to see the tate exhitibition
for the turner prize
an the work we saw there
we saw again
in some form
with in each others
work for the next few weeks

its like we all took away
the bits that interested us the most
then it reflected in our work

even just the trip to the big city
with out thinking
i started a 3d project
of making cardboard retangles
of different heights
an stood them in lines
an took photos
at a low level
making them seem huge

an it wasnt for a long time
that i realised that
that was my response to
being in a big city
with towering buildings
feeling small

but it hadnt been my aim
it was just something i was creating
for the sake of creating

but now i see it
the reasons

we are sponges
an we dont even know it

my new project
is emotional

but i have been sinking
into reading
trueblood

i started dead as a door nail yesterday
an im about 3/4's of my way through

not been getting much sleep
not been doing much of anything

sinking myself into my project
then
running an hiding from it

im not sure if i wanna be an artist
i dont know what i want

i cant keep denying that
i long to not be alone

but i cant keep denying that
i am shit scared
of letting anyone close

but this project
is helping me to see why

but i know why
u know why

people get close
i let them in a little
then push them on their arse
shoving them so hard
away from me

i cant keep treating people like that
i cant keep being so selfish

because maybe
one day
someone will need something from me

but just coz they might need something of me
does that mean i have to give it to them

because right now
i have a lot of people i love
needing stuff from me

an it just makes me feel
frightened

i wanna put myself so out of reach
that i feel like im actually living

i put myself so out of reach
that i keep dreaming
of people i actually miss

my mind keeps drifting to
things
situations
that mean so much

i dont feel numb
i like not being in constant communication

it feels nice

it feels like
every bit of communication means so much more

i dont have to worry
about communicating just for the sake of it
an worrying that i am
misleading
or putting myself in a situation
that i dont wanna be in

if wasnt fair of me
to say what i said
i wish i could take it back
i wish i hadnt done that

i wont do it again

but fk
why i am dreamin of _______
an why did it feel so safe
when they arent safe in the slightest

an no it dont mean i like them
like that
it just means

i long to feel safe
deep down

taking steps forward
letting go of the past
will always have attachment issues
but theres nothing wrong with opting out
putting myself out of reach
getting on with my journey
being more, me

omg

i have deleted facebook from my life

living an learning
laughing
smiling
remembering im not weak

i hope u have had
a massive
BLACK OUT

but i doubt it

my new project is proving to be a journey
had a tutorial with a new tutor
an she was loverrrly
an she liked my idea
it was so useful to talk through my ideas
an have her supportive input
an her gently leading me
an sign posting me
our course leader emailed me 3 artists names
that our tutor had though of after i'd gone
its nice that she thought about my ideas
after i had left

my project is about home
its about my homes
past an present
about belonging
family
attachment
what home means to me

or i should say
lack of attachment
fear or attaching
putting ghosts to rest
to make a place
my kids an i can feel settled
an proud of

and she totally understood

any ideas you have
would be welcome
what home means to u
when u move in somewhere new
how do u make it a home
coz i have lost my way

i dont know how to make my house a home

Im so dumb it is unreal
was watching hollyoaks
the other day
an saw it
an thought
oh for fuck sake
how can i be so stupid
when its played
right infront of your eyes
and you see it
yourself
there
fuck
fuck
fuck

live an learn

silence

never wants to talk again

wants to sit on a train
looking out the window
rushing through the country side
an stations
but never stops

i want to feel the cold fresh air
rush into my mind

i want to feel the ice
run down my spine

i want to look up
an see you watching

i want to feel the smile
spread across my face

coz i know
you know
how im feeling

an see your smile in return
for mine
silently saying
its ok


i feel safe

i let go
an feel

an tingle
an tremble
an shake

an now i never want to talk again
coz ive said to much

so much nonsense
im such a dick

i wanna look at you again
an smile
an let go
an feel

with out worrying
im sending out the wrong vibes

i want to feel safe
u made me feel safe

an i came along
an made myself feel insecure

because im an idiot

u have to have people at the foundations to have people at top

if people are sold the dream that they can all live a life style

then no one feels the foundation layer is good enough an this breeds unhappyness

i think the foundations at the best

then u have the people who have no self believe or feel the government should take care of them

an they get locked in the cellar under the foundations

an they get trapped in that mindset

watchin the lifestyle tv shows an feeling they have no part or no right to reach for it

then u have the 6th form college kids that feel its their god given right to be provided for by their parents. gcses, a levels, uni, gap year, driving lessons, first car, expensive christmas presents, deposit for first home. its like.. they have no empowerment to go get it for themselves because their parents live on guilt an get sucked into the whole...

if i dont give them it then that makes me bad an they might become a waster an that will be my fault.

but you have to start at the bottom of the ladder an work ur way up... u have to have something in your life that forces u to reach for more..

but no one should asume that its their god given right to it

the financal problems in the uk are built on the stupid people who wanted the wag life an the the stupid credit companys that gave them the credit to buy it... they lived the ''dream'' for 2 years.. now they are burried beneath the pile of debt

i was trying so hard to be different
then i realised that
im just the same as everyone else
who is trying so hard
to be ''different''

had an awesome day with the kids

it was really strange
an awesome
an lush

they didnt play up
they didnt fight

we went to the fair
they had money each
they budgeted well
i was impressed

they both came home with change
they sat on the bus home
green an feeling sick
still forcing down candy floss

I've decided that im not going to have secs
until im 35

power of music

funny how i was feeling all down

then i mended my music

an i felt so much better

singing an jigging around

omfg

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

ffs


what i want
and
what i do

what i believe
and
how i live

are total contradictions

if i was to meet me
i would fkn hate me

because i cant stand people
who
have strong views
and opinions
but doesnt stand by them

actions speak louder than words

FRUSTRATION

so frustrated with myself


i see things an think

omg i wanna do that

then do nuffin

things i must stop saying to the tv while watching it with the kids

OH FUCK OFF!!

WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOX!!

YOU COMPLETE TOSSER!!!

OHHHH PLZZZZZZZ........

What makes a home?

self directed project

need to write a brief

need to do some research

need to write an essay about beckys painting

happy easter

Trying to find new ways to over come my frustrations
and getting my points of view across

what a funny night

chilled out night in with the kids
they disappeared upstairs to watch dvds
to be fair
there was crap on tv

so it was like i was home alone
apart from the odd footsteps
an quick cuddles between dvds

boredom
cant wait to get back into the routine of uni
but also am really looking forward to the summer holidays
with the kids

cant wait to start on my new uni project
my brain is dying
wasting away

so glad my mum is home from hospital
she sounds well on the phone
she wants the kids to pop an see her for a while tomorrow
they love her so much
ive been telling my mum i love her
dont normally do that

when i go back to uni i only have 8 weeks till i finish year 0
seriously hope nuffin fks up an stops me going on to year 1 of my degree

made friends with my DSLR tonight
that was good
going to bed with the instruction book
every night till i know i can tell it what to do

cant wait for next weekend
gonna have a good time
chatting shit
an not having an care in the world

leaving this town behind for a couple of nights
lush

spent ages tidying an cleaning the livingroom today
an it seems messier than when i started
but least all the dust is gone

i cant believe i done absolutely nuffin for the first 2 weeks
of my easter holiday
it was like
i just stopped

but now the kids are on holiday too
i love spending time with them
the fair is coming at the end of the week

cant wait to have some cash again
this summer is gonna be a good one

ASK ME ANYTHING

saturday night boredom

the kids are watching goonies
tv an facebook is my only option
or so i think

i have come up with a little idea for my self directed project
HOME
thats going to be my starting point
gonna spend 6 weeks exploring
HOME

bit of consumerism
bit of keeping up with the jones
what home means

think it might be good

i dreamt u sent me am email

it was strange
an i dreamt i was on a uni trip
an the resturant was shit
an we only got as far an ipswich
an it was all very strange
an i wanted it over
coz i wanted to go round beckys
an i got home
an u had sent me an email
it was about dog shit
an at the end u put
(i took the dog for a shit, i DID NOT shit on the dog)
an i thought it was really funny
coz im an idiot

i hate feeling emotionally weak
but i guess it happens to all of us

i cant wait for next weekend
am going to my best mates
an im gonna have a fkin good time

leave all my worries behind
chat an smile
an laugh an chat
and completely lose myself

so glad the train strike has been cancelled

awesome

just got to get through the week :D

last night when i got home
i cried for ages

i must admit that i felt lonely
so alone in the world
having to deal with everything by myself

but..

its my choice isnt it?
i keep everyone at arms length.
you cant decide to keep everyone at arms length
then whinge when theres no one there to cuddle you.

the thing is
i dont need looking after
i dont need someone
coz if i had someone here 24/7
i would get so pist off

then i started thinking about why i ring my ex
when im in a emergency
well.
they are his kids and if i cant look after them
he needs to
an just by shouting at me
its not going to stop me forcing him to take responabilty

also
i ring him
he gets mad
i hang up
wait
then try again

an this process goes on until hes calm an see thats hes being an arse
i never ask him to do anything thats unreasonable
im not awkward
or a bitch

then i started thinking about
why do i find it easier to take pure nasty abuse off him
an i find it so hard when people are nice to me

its like

i know where i stand with him

its easy

i know whats going to happen..
i know how much he hates me
i know he despises me

i know where i stand...

its simple

re running convos in my head..

i was thinking about something you said
at the time i didnt understand what you meant
but now i think i do..

i had plenty of thinking time last night
while sat next to my mums hospital bed
and then once i got home.

you said that taking speed makes you more of the person you want to be
or more who you are.
or something.

I was thinking about facebook
and i was thinking how emotionally needy i make myself sound
an the person facebook makes me be
is a person i really bloody dont like
an its not me at all

then i thought about what u had said about speed
and though i dont remember exactly what you said

But i kinda get in
in my way

i dislike facebook so dam much
but its an easy way to talk to my friends
but by god..
i dont half sound like a fkin twat most of the time

I like nice boys.

Bad boys
I see the attraction
but once you get beneath the surface
you know where the story goes.
boredom.

The shy quiet ones in the room
the ones that have a lot to say
but no one else is listening.
Standing on the edges.
I see them before I see anyone else.
They have the most interesting things to say
everyone is to dumb to notice.

If they let you slowly peal away the layers
you can find some amzing things,
they can take you on the most amzing journeys,
imagination, talents, stories,
love, compassion, sadness,
and even, sometimes a naughty boy
waiting to be unleashed
just for you.....

My to do list

i really do like u

no one else

just you

i love being an art student

but today i found myself fightin against the journey

i know i can only succeed if i let go

i need to find me

who i am

what makes me tick

but i dont wanna go down the roads that lead to somewhere i dont wanna be

it takes up so my energy an brain power

got 3 weeks off now

a welcome break

but i cant switch off

my mind is still full blast

the next project is completely self directed

totally up to us

BUT WHO THE FK AM I AN WHAT THE FK DO I WANNA EXPLORE WITH MY ART?

im smiling
im happy
im hyper
i can think straight
im at home
ive got radio one on
i need to do my uni work
big hand in friday
an i want it to be good
i want to enjoy the easter hols
knowing all the boxes are ticked
i'm beginning to think i got one thing wrong
doubt doubt doubt
but its not the end of the world
its fine
it wont kill me


now lets make some protest posters

Take me somewhere far away
Somewhere dark an deep
Twist and turn
tighten your grip
hold my breath
ridged
Stuck in time
Waiting
Holding
Ready for
For the slow release

i really fkin like u
i dont like feeling like this
ffs

i made cheese cake



cheese cake in a box

i didn't have a jug to measure the milk
so i had to guess

i didnt have scales for the butter
so i guessed

i didnt have a clean saucepan to melt the butter
so i put it in a mug in the mircowave

i didnt have a mixing bowl
so i mixed the biscuit crumbs on a plate

i didnt have a raised edge dish
so i pressed the biscuit into the centre of the plate

i didnt have a mixing bowl
so i mixed the cheese cake topping in one of the kids packed lunch boxes

i couldnt work the electric whisk
then i remembered i needed to plug it in

the topping thickened up to much
but i couldnt add any more milk

but i completed the cheesecake in a box
put it in the fridge

made a fried egg sandwich

ate it

the cake was set

we all ate it

success




now i properly feel part of the blogspot crew :)

silent scream

after looking through some blogs on here
i feel kinda outa place

i mean

i dont live the american dream
i dont have the perfect family
i dont have the perfect life
i will never blog about my christmas in great detail with photos
nor take photos of what i cook in my oven

i wont try to motivate anyone
can't even motivate myself

i have never scrapbooked in my life!

i have a car for sale in my front garden
its not my car
its my friends

whats a council house without a car reck in the garden?
or a skip
the skips not coming till after easter

but my back garden is full of junk

im really fitting the stereotpye
at the moment

i serioulsy need to tidy up
because the only thing i can find to write with
is a liquid eye liner
im tempted
but lets face it
its not gonna do the job

plus i might find my missin memory stick

i must remember that if i take things designed to bring me down an chill
it brings my mood crashing down too

an things that take me up, leave me up for days till i finally crash
sleep an get up again

but the up an crash is soo much better than the
down down down down DOWNNNNNNNN

playing poker an avoiding all uni work today

earache

i feel really fkin odd today
i feel lost
i feel knotted up
i feel down
i feel sad
i feel angry
i feel depressed
i feel crap
i feel sleepy
i feel hopeless

Ooooooooooo you make me wanna melt.................




if. only.
you. knew.

thats it im off to bed for some Zzzzzz

i really really hope...

that my missus will join me here...

i like her company...

its nice

an i like seeing the crazy things mothers say

an EVERYthing... i love reading what she has to share...

OMG this has actually made me HAPPY

Gee after setting up 4 blogs for one thing, to make it all organized and in place, an its not all messy messy shitey monkey, I HAVE A HEADACHE!! an feel.... AHHhhhhhhh better all at once..

mainly coz i allowed myself this little melt down area... where i can go melt an my facebook's wont roll their eyes... an i can just


ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

an its not work related.... an its just


MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

all slobbed out an not holding in my tummy...

u KNOW???

Let me take you by the hand and lead you somewhere loverrrr-ly